Holding Hands (My attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

So Susan and I
go to the park the other day, right
just for a stroll like,
get out for some fresh air
and all that.
It had been kinda stuffy
in the house,
cabin fever creepin’ in.
Anyhow so we get there
and everything seems fine
the birds are singing,
some squirrels scurrying
here and there
chasing each other.  Right?
Everything looked normal.
So we start our walk,
and in about ten minutes
or so I start to notice
that its all couples in the park.
And to make things worse,
they’re all holding hands
and smiling like.
Some are even pushing baby strollers
while they are walkin’ in their wellies.
I look over to Susan to see
if she has taken notice.
No wonder I don’t like the park
too much pressure.

The world doesn’t need another round head like mine.

Saturn's Rings (My attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

I was watching a special on space
on the telly last night with Susan
and it was about the planets
and whatnot.
When they got to Saturn
I thought there is a planet
with some style,
it would float like an apple if you
had a pond big enough,
it has 60 moons,
and with its rings
it seems it is the only engaged planet
in the solar system.

Musta been all that mooning going on.

Frog Legs (My attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

I was thinking about frog legs
the other day,
and I was trying to understand
how anyone would have thought it
a good idea to put them on the table.
I mean what were they thinking?
Some guy down at the local pond fishing,
looks over and sees a fat frog,
turns to his buddy and says
what do you think? 
Would you have a bit of that?
Buddy says a bit o’ what?
He says over there, that frog, his legs look a
might bit tasty, probably easier to catch then fish too.
I wonder even more about how they got
the first guy to taste it.  Right?
‘Cause no one in their right mind
is gonna drool at the sight of some
pesky little frog legs.
Maybe they did up a stew,
and invited the villiage idiot.


I’ll take a bag o’ crisps over that any day.

Cats (My attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

Cats are great aren’t they?
I mean they don’t eat much,
they clean up after themselves,
and you don’t have to worry about them
barking at the neighbors.
Just give them a comfy spot
on top of the chesterfield
with a view of the street,
it’s a reality TV program for cats.
There are no leashes to buy,
no sub-sized doo’s in the backyard to search for,
and they will even rid the house of mice;
if you ask me it’s a no brainer.

Baths (From my attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

What’s the story with baths?
I just don’t get it
you lay in hot water
that becomes dirty the minute you get in it
laying there you become human stew
don’t you?
Then you wash up in dirty water
splash around a bit,
then you’re clean?
(shakes head)
I just don’t understand it,
besides in a bath
you can’t reach all the important bits can you?
You need a shower afterwards
just to clean up proper.

Birds (From my attempts at Karl Pilkingtonisms)

You think you are getting a great deal on meat
until you de-feather ‘em
then you find out they are nothing
but naked pink gooseflesh
you know what I mean?
By then I’ve lost me appetite